The Ottawa Senators: 1992-2019

Today we mourn the loss of the Ottawa Senators.

The Ottawa Senators, a NHL franchise, passed away early last week after a long battle with “Melnykitis”.

The Senators are survived by their owner/governor/chairman Eugene Melnyk, COO Nicolas Ruszkowski, CMO Aimee Deizel, GM Pierre Dorion, and AGM Peter MacTavish.

The team is also survived by their three alternate captains (Zack Smith, Mark Borowiecki, and Jean-Gabriel Pageau), as well as 14,435 fans who actually showed up to their games at the Canadian Tire Centre.

After returning to Ottawa in 1992, the Sens would find some moderate success during their first decade back. They made the playoffs six times in their first ten years back, and would qualify for 11 consecutive postseasons (1997-2008). One of those years (2006-07), saw the Senators make the Stanley Cup Final.

But in 2003, the Senators contracted a case of “Melnykitis”, a slow and incurable virus in the front office that creates confusion and/or problematic decision-making. According to all known medical professionals in the hockey field, there is no known cure.

After contracting “Melnykitis”, the Sens continued to plug away on the ice, overcoming the early symptoms of the virus. From 2008-2019, the team made the playoffs on five separate occasions. Then, in 2017, the Senators were on the verge of making their second Stanley Cup Final. Unfortunately, the team’s condition caught up with them, and they would never fully recover.

Over the last two years, “Melnykitis” had forced the team to make ridiculous decision after ridiculous decision when it comes to the franchise. Trading away Erik Karlsson and trading a possible top-five pick for a year and a half of Matt Duchene were just the warning signs.

In the last month, the Senators traded three of their top forwards (Mark Stone, Duchene and Ryan Dzingel) in exchange for what will likely be a few mid-round picks, a couple of decent prospects and one, admittedly, great prospect (Erik Brännström). They also fired their head coach and had their hopes of a new arena in downtown Ottawa were dashed when no settlement could be made in mediation.

After years of trying to live with “Melnykitis”, the Ottawa Senators finally gave in to the virus. The team’s memorial service will be held in silence when the zombified corpse of the team takes The ice against the Vancouver Canucks at Rogers Arena on Wednesday night. May God have mercy on the team’s soul.