My Off-Season as the General Manager of the Ottawa Senators


Welcome all, my name is Bobby and I’d like to tell you about my adventure this summer. It all started June 20th, when I dropped an inkling of poison into Bryan Murray’s teapot. One sip, and he was in the hospital. Since he was in the stages of collapsing, the first person he sees will become the new GM of the Ottawa Senators in his time of absence. And guess who shows up, yup, me, and then it all starts. It was time to put my stamp on the team, build it from the bottom up.

It all starts when I meet Dany Heatley. I talk to him, and when I’m convinced he’s really full of himself, I call Dean Lombardi. He says that he’s trying to give up two pain-in-the-asses, Jack Johnson and Justin Azevedo. I offer him Heatley and Alexandre Picard for Johnson, Azevedo, Alexander Frolov, and the 5th overall pick in the 2009 Draft. He reluctantly says yes. My first trade, I thought was genius. We get a young, budding defenseman, and top 6 forward, an up and coming forward, and a high draft pick. Plus, I hated Picard’s cockiness.

It’s June 26th, aka Draft Day. I meet Alex Auld, and I actually start to like him. Good backup. However, Scott Howson gives me a call, and offers Kris Russell for Alex Auld. I choke on my vodka and say yes. With the 5th pick, I take Magnus Svensson-Paajarvi and with the 9th pick, I take Oliver Ekman-Larsson. As the Draft becomes tedious, I give new Sen Jack Johnson a call, and he says he wants a 2 year, 4.4 million dollar deal, I say “I’ll give you a 2 year, 4.2 million dollar deal”, and he accepts.

Steve Tambellini calls, and he’s pissed. He wanted Heatley and now since he didn’t, he’s getting shit from Darryl Katz. To make his boss happy, he offers a 4th round pick in the 2010 NHL Draft for Christoph Schubert. I know I’ll accept it, but I want to joke around with Stevie, so I say no, then yes, then no, but then yes. Another over-the-edge defenseman gone.

It’s July 1st and I tell Chris Neil, Mike Comrie, and Brendan Bell to go take a hike. Neil signs with the Leafs, Comrie signs with the Syracuse Crunch, and Bell goes home to cry. While those three take a mental break, I continue and sign Ales Kotalik to a 2 year , 7.8 millon deal. Kotalik is a massive offensive threat and has a bomb from the point. I look to get Nik Antropov, but the Rangers re-sign him to a 10 year, 100 million deal. That’s it for me on that day. 2 days later, I get drunk on some more vodka. Seeing the name “Brodeur” on the Free Agents list, I quickly sign him to a 1 year, two way contract worth $500,000 and send him to Bingo.

It’s July 15th, and I get a call from Shean Donovan, who I easily consider the best player on this team. He shocks me, saying he’s decided to retire. He’s 34, so it’s weird. I suspect Ilya Zubov had something to do with it. Three days later, I continue, my succesful season by signing Jiri Hudler to a 3 year, 11.4 million deal offer sheet. I have to give up two 2nd rounders in the 2010 Draft for him but all in all it will pay off. I persuade Ken Holland not to reply by giving him some of my world-famous vodka. The next day, I watch Napoleon Dynamite, I hate it, and seeing a character similar to Chris Kelly, I trade him to the Panthers for a 2nd round pick in the 2010 NHL Draft.

It’s August 1st, and we’re reminded by Mats Sundins’ self-imposed, retarted deadline last year. However, good news comes out of it. Jason Smith calls me and announces he’s retiring. Another shocker, but it’s another salary off the books. After long negotiatons with RFA Brian Elliott, we agree on a 5 year, 5.5 million deal.

Ahh, the beginning to training camp, my first as GM, and probably my last. Erik Karlsson plays solid, but he goes to Bingo for further conditioning. Ilya Zubov and Cody Bass make the lineup. Here’s the starting lineup for the Ottawa Senators for the 09-10 season as constructed by moi.


Frolov – Spezza – Alfredsson
Hudler – Zubov – Kotalik
Foligno – Fisher – Shannon
Bass – Winchester – Ruutu


Kuba – Campoli
Phillips – Volchenkov
Johnson – Lee



To tell you the truth, with no ego pertaining, I love this team. The fact that we can roll out 3 lines that can play aggressive and score in abundance and a very strong, physical 4th line is really great. Even though we added some Russians, these Russians have a good work ethic and any defensive mistakes they make they will most certainly made up on offense. One enlightening thing that the 4th line is the only line that has more than one natural centre, and I felt it important to put Winchester as centre because he plays strongest on that position.

On defense, Kuba and Campoli make up a very solid top pairing and will help the PP greatly. Chris Phillips and Anton Volchenkov get demoted to second pairing which allows them to get more aggressive and play harder. Jack Johnson and Brian Lee know each other very well from Team USA and are a perfect pairing, while Russell is ready to come up when somebody gets injured and also helps Bingo’s defensive core.

The goaltending tandem is also very strong. Pascal LeClaire provides great consistency and is a true No.1 goalie but in any emergency that he gets injured, Brian Elliott is there to save the day as he did many times last year.

However, one of the most exciting things that after doing the salary cap calculations and with the NHL saying the cap will stay the same, I have $6,192,860 left, which gives me much flexibility if we are in contention for the Cup and we need another big-time player. Yes, that’s me and my extraordinary skills as GM.

October 1st, Murray is ready to come back and his big ego allows him to take all the credit. That is simply dumb. But whatever, I’ve given myself some big self-esteem and established a new vodka brand called “Sybbob”. Good times my friends, good times. Let the money roll in!