TSN And CBC: The Secret Transcript

On the eve of Sunday, April 10th, two of the most powerful hockey broadcasters in Canada of the Stanley Cup Playoffs met to decide the series’ they will broadcast. The meeting between The Sports Network and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation was behind closed doors, but somebody was kind enough to wear some bugs so we could hear what was being discussed. I’m not going to name names, but let’s just say it rhymes with Mierre PcGuire.

[Enter James Duthie, Bob McKenzie, Pierre McGuire for TSN and Ron McLean, Don Cherry, Glenn Healy for CBC]

McLean: Welcome everyone, to our annual pre-playoff mee…

Duthie: Yeah yeah, just cut to chase, I’ve got to wax Dutchy’s eyebrows and let me tell you IT TAKES QUITE SOME TIME!

McLean: Ok,  was disurbin…

Pierre McGuire: AYE! NO DION PHANEUF IN THE PLAYOFFS! SNIFF SNIFF!

McLean: Stop interrupting m…Oh god, what are you doing Glenn?

Healy: Muusssttt…rressist…Crrrrossby’s….ddiiick

McLean: We’ve already had this talk Glenn, we need to be professional here.

Healy: But me wantey Crrrossssbbyyyyyy!!!!!!!

McLean [to TSN]: Sorry, Glenn just gets mental when we talk about Sidney Crosby.

Duthie: Sidney who?

McKenzie: I believe my dear James that my good chap there shall talk about the scorer of that winning goal in the Olympics.

Duthie: English, please!

McGuire: ALEX OVECHKIN AND MIKE RICHARDS AND DION PHANEUF GAG GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA!

McLean: Ok, I believe we have to get on topic now. So, we have to decide which series we have to broadcast. We have so far decided that in the West we will have Sharks-Avalanche and Canucks-Kings, and you guys will have Blackhawks-Predators and Coyotes- Red Wings.

Duthie: Okay, we do not need any more Roberto Luongo after the Olympics and how we hosted over, yeah, you.

McLean: No reason to rub it in, James.

Duthie: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WE BEAT YOU TO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

McLean: Bitch! Now it is on!

(Jumps out of chair and starts beating up Duthie)

(After fight)…

McKenzie: Hey by the way, where is Don?

(In the background, Don Cherry is watching tapes of the Don Cherry Movie)

Cherry: Oh boy, what a beautfiul boy this Don guy is!

Duthie: Never mind, okay, here is what we think for the East. You will take Boston-Buffalo and Pittsburgh-Ottawa, while we take Washington-Montreal and Philadelphia-New Jersey.

McLean: That is what we wanted in the first place, why the change of heart?

McGuire: MIKE RICHARDS IS MY LADY GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA!!!!!!!!!

McLean: Oh…

Duthie: Yeah, but now we are okay. I just want to say something. I know we at TSN and CBC are highly dedicated to bring the best quality of the NHL Playoff hockey to our fans and viewers and represent all Canadian teams finely and fairly.

(Room erupts in laughter)

McLean: Aye, good one James! So, over under on Leafs signing Jussi Rynas?

Duthie: 1000000000000000 perrrrrrrcent!

McLean: Good. By the way, Bob Gainey is on video call with us now. Hey Bob!

Pierre Gauthier: Actually, it is Pierre Gauthier here, GM of the Montreal Canadiens.

(Once again, room erupts in laughter)

Duthie:Hoo, I never knew you were so funny, Bob!

Pierre Gauthier: PIERRE!!!!

McGuire: HERE! OH BOY IS THAT YOU DION!!! DID YOU FINALLY LEAVE ELISHA!!!!!

Pierre Gauthier: No,…aw fawk this ok I am Bob Gainey, okay, happ…

Cherry: Boy, I need to make a movie about myself…

Pierre Gauthier: Both of you go to hell. Just some retarded Leaf basement-dwellers!

Everyone in unison: THANK YOU!

Note: I know this was probably the wirdest piece youève ever read but it just shows how dysunctional and bastard-like are ou main sports networks here in Canada. Ok, and it just seems so funny that 80% of Hab Fans believe in Bob Gainey is their General Manager.

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Tags: CBC Secret Transcripts TSN

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